That lethargic, tedious ache — scarring up a little more every day.
Another looming birthday, another failed relationship; or rather, another bucket of ice water over the head, realizing I had settled into old destructive patterns yet again, with a new asshole. Another round of “damn, those were some red flags I ignored, I can’t believe I tolerated that for so long.” A new person to be angry at for false promises and disappointment. That familiar midnight panic “I need to run five miles every day starting tomorrow to get my revenge bod, or maybe I can do some sit ups right now in bed!”
I want to talk about the breakup all the time. I want to dissect it, every limb, every moment special or not. I plot out conversations in the shower, how I would respond, having the upper hand. In my head I have the outfit picked out that I’ll be wearing when I run into him in a year from now — as if I have control over that. I throw a leg over a pillow, closing my eyes and indulging for just a few minutes that it’s not a pillow, it’s him, and this never happened, and he never did or said all of that stuff. I blast my music when I drive with the windows rolled down, I need the city to know I’m unbothered and have more important things to do than mourn.
I can’t exactly get a haircut — I’m trying to grow my hair out. I can’t go to a bar to get hit on — this is a pandemic. I can’t run long distance — my calves seize up like they have been since April.
All there is left to do is write, and I can’t seem to bring myself to the keyboard long enough to finish anything. Do I want to be sad?
I keep my plants alive. I go on more day hikes. I get real with my therapist. I look for silver linings; what have I learned from this relationship?
I have learned some new red flags, and that it is true what they say, people really do tell you who they are if you’re listening hard enough. I recognize that it is important to teach people how to treat you; of course boundaries don’t work for him, not having boundaries is what made the first three months so smooth.
I indulge in midday naps. I pick up intuitive eating and learn what hunger is for the first time in 7 years. I strengthen relationships with women who only…